


Shop 'til you drop (and somebody calls the cops)

by idioticfangirl



Series: The Avengers Team-Building Shenanigans [17]
Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clintasha - Freeform, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Humor, M/M, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Snark, Stony - Freeform, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 22:21:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5107754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idioticfangirl/pseuds/idioticfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even the Avengers couldn't manage to mess up a trip to the local supermarket, right?  Find food, pay for it, and leave.  Three steps.</p>
<p>And yet they did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shop 'til you drop (and somebody calls the cops)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SleepyCreep](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyCreep/gifts).



> *Turns up three months late carrying a Starbucks and this fic* I return!!! I'm so sorry I don't even have an excuse anymore but yeah I kinda lost my writing style for a while but I'm here I'm queer and I love Captain America so I'm back doing the requests.
> 
> I know I'm a horrible person :') but enjoy anyway!

The first Tony knew of Scott Lang, aka AntMan, moving into his tower was when he walked into the kitchen for his fourth cup of coffee (so what if it wasn't even noon yet, he was a genius and he needed it), and an unknown man was standing there, munching through the last of his food stocks. Which, hello, it was his tower and he should really be warned of such developments.

"Mr Stark, it's an honour," announced the stranger, holding out a hand covered in something that looked suspiciously like peanut butter.

"I know," he replied, almost ignoring the hand before remembering that he himself was smeared with grease, oil and coffee, so really he was in no room to complain. "And you are...?"

"Scott Lang."

"And he is...?"

"AntMan. I thought -" Scott wiped his hand on his shirt, "I thought you knew I was coming?"

Tony flapped his hand in the air, grimacing when spatters of oil hit the table. "They wouldn't have told me, I just own the tower. Really, it's unimportant whether or not I know who's in here. It's not like I could kick you all out, or anything."

"You wouldn't," despite having lived with them for some time now, Tony still jumped when the spies entered the room, and directed a glare at Clint, who merely rolled his eyes and continued, "besides, Fury told Steve. Steve said he'd tell you, but I assume you ended up doing other things instead," he waggled his eyebrows, and Tony refused to blush at the image rising in his mind of an intense make-out session with Captain America.

"Oh hey, Tony," the man himself had arrived, grinning smugly, "I meant to tell you. I agreed to let Scott stay here for a while, at least while people forget about the fact that he's a criminal. I hope you don't mind?" Tony did mind, he minded very much, this was his tower, but Steve smiled at him in that genuine way he had and Tony found himself shaking his head, muttering about how it was a pleasure to meet him and did he have a room yet? In other news, Tony was so fucked.

"By the way," Scott announced, "there's no food in your kitchen."

"There was!" Tony replied hotly, already regretting his moment of weakness. Scott shrugged, unapologetic, and Tony gave up on dealing with any of this before he made his coffee.

He groaned loudly, dropping his head onto the counter as Scott helpfully continued, "or coffee."

 

"Steve, you do know I could get JARVIS to order for us, don't know? Online shopping, it's brilliant, we don't even have to leave the house!" Tony was aware that he was fighting a losing battle almost before he began.

"I know, Tony, but how long would that take? We have no food. We need food. Therefore, we go to get food."

"We could order pizza!" 

"Bruce would have a heart attack if we did that again."

"Which would be ironic, considering he only gets so worked up because he doesn't want us to have a heart attack," Tony mused.

"Tony," Steve's tone was cautionary, but his eyes held amusement, "just go and get the others."

 

After a brief roundup of the avengers, minus Sam who was the only one who seemed to do any work at any given moment (Scott looked relieved when he was told this, and Tony resolved to learn why), they bundled into cars and drove to the nearest store. Still grumbling, Tony grabbed a cap from his car and jammed it on his head without even looking at it.

"Why..." Clint began, wrinkling his nose in the direction of the hat, "just why?"

"Incognito. Of course, you wouldn't understand, seeing as you aren't famous, but I am. And being seen shopping would ruin my reputation." Clint's eyes traveled to the hat once more before he grinned widely and darted off.

They lost Wanda before they even entered the shop, leaving her to play with a group of dogs that had been chained outside after Pietro warned them that they could be waiting there for hours. Scott offered to steal the dogs for her, and Wanda seemed delighted with the idea, so Steve dragged him inside before he could cause any more trouble. Once inside, however he stopped, amazed.

"You're blocking the doorway, Cap," complained Clint, but Steve was so engrossed in staring at the masses of food items that he didn't even think to remind Clint not to use superhero names out of costume.

"Cap?" he was shaken out of it by Natasha snapping her fingers in his face, her own a particular variant of pissed that meant she was concerned for him.

"I'm fine, it's just, there's so much!" Steve exclaimed finally, striding forwards to examine the different types of apples that one could get as though it was the most enthralling activity he could do. "What do you do with all of this food? All of this choice?"

"We waste most of it," Bruce, ever the voice of optimism, muttered from where he was piling his trolley with vegetables. "I've been in countries where this amount of food would save half of their population, and we waste it."

Unsure of what he could say to that, Steve returned to gazing at the apples, steadfastly ignoring how Natasha and Clint were removing the vegetables from Bruce's trolley and replacing them with unhealthy foods that were probably diabetes flavoured.

 

Meanwhile, Thor had wandered over to what he considered the most important part of the entire shop, Pietro and Peter with him. There was a large display of oreos boxes, showing off all of the flavours that you could buy, the pile taller even than Thor. Peter and Pietro looked impressed, but were nothing compared to Thor, who seemed prepared to drop on his knees and pledge allegiance to his new ruler, the oreos.

However, one mistaken step forward, and the entire pile wobbled dangerously. Another step backwards, taken slightly too hard and too fast, and the pile toppled. His reflexes honed from battles, Thor was able (somehow) to catch every single one of the boxes that fell, leaving them balanced precariously on his arms. Unable to move for fear of dislodging them once more, Thor waited for Peter and Pietro to assist him, but when he glanced around they had mysteriously vanished.

"Hello?" he boomed, "I am in need of your assistance, friends!"

They didn't answer.

 

Steve and Bucky, quite by chance, had managed to find themselves in the worst possible place for them. Unsure of where to look, they kept walking down the aisle, desperately hoping that they would reach the end soon, but it seemed to go on forever. Bucky had gone such a bright shade of red that he could have been used as a Christmas tree decoration, and Steve seemed to be wishing that he had never been defrosted.

"Hey Nat, I found them!" Clint called, and Steve wondered whether they had been lost in this hellish place for so long that there were search parties out for them.

"Oh, hey guys, fancy meeting you here," Clint noticed them both suddenly and grinned, "me and Nat were looking for these," he waved one of the magazines with a naked woman on the front, and Steve averted his eyes, "but we did not expect you to be here too!" He winked and took off, exclaiming to Nat about the choice and how he had found two 90 year old men in the 'lads mags' aisle. Steve wanted the ground to swallow him up.

 

"Hey Tony," Bruce began suddenly, "about that hat."

"I'm going incognito!" Tony protested. Bruce took one look at the logo on the cap, and decided that he had better things to do with his time. Namely, saving Peter's life.

"I'm not even sure that that stuff is edible, Peter!" he complained, waving his hand at the pile of pot noodles in Peter's basket.

"It's cheap!" he defended his choices, "Besides, I've lived on this stuff for two years and I'm in perfect condition."

"Isn't it worth the extra 50 cents to ensure that it meets basic safety requirements?" Bruce sighed. Before Peter could interrupt, he continued, "And you're hardly the epitome of health. You stick to walls!"

"That's not a bad thing."

"Yeah, well, you also tend to look like you just woke up in a dumpster and wouldn't know a good meal if it was thrown at your face."

"Well, I'm sorry, what should I be eating?" Peter visibly bristled.

"Stuff like this!" Bruce gestured towards his trolley, face screwing up in confusion when Peter choked on a laugh.

"Right, yeah, you're right, I forgot the cocoa puffs," he muttered, still laughing and shaking his head. Bruce opened his mouth to ask what he meant, but a brief analysis of his trolley showed that everything vaguely healthy had been taken out and replaced with trash.

"Barton!" he called, groaning. Clint popped up beside him like he had always been there. "Do you have any idea what this stuff does to your insides?"

"Damn right I do, but I love the element of danger. If I'm not at imminent risk of suffering a coronary then in my eyes the meal was not worth it." Barton grinned cockily, and what did it say about the spy that Bruce believed every word he had just said.

"Don't come crying to me when your arteries are congested," Bruce sighed instead, lamenting everything about his life.

"I'll be laughing because it was completely worth it. Life is so much more fulfilling when it involves mountains of strawberry laces and fries, you quinoa-scoffing herbivore." 

Bruce didn't deign to reply.

 

"Hey, Tony," having escaped the magazine aisle, Steve was trying to get the team in order, "your hat is..."

"Leave my hat alone!" Tony yelled. Steve was unable to reply as an unlucky citizen that had made the horrible decision to go shopping at the same time as the avengers suddenly made her way over, saying,

"You're Tony Stark!"

"How did you know?" Tony asked, squinting at her.

"We were trying to tell you, Tony. Your hat says Stark on it."

 

"Lang!" a voice that none of them recognised ran across the store, "You stop right there!" The entire team (minus Thor, who was still calling for help from underneath the oreo tower) made their way over to where Scott was standing sheepishly, holding a packet of crisps and being yelled at by a man.

"Excuse me, sir, what's happening?" Steve intervened smoothly.

"He was trying to steal those goddamn crisps."

"Scott, you don't need to steal anymore," he reprimanded, taking the packet. Scott rolled his eyes but nodded.

"Rogers?" The man asked suddenly, "What are you doing here?"

Steve narrowed his eyes, "Do I know you?"

Realization dawned on Clint and Natasha, as she muttered, "nice disguise, Director Fury."

He sighed, seeming to remember that he had been in an excellent disguise which he had blown by yelling at them, and pointed to the exit.

"Buy your food and leave. Where's," he looked around, "Thor?" At that moment, there was a load crash, and Thor sprinted over to them.

"I think it may be time to go, comrades!" he boomed, glancing nervously around for staff. It said a lot about the team that they immediately dropped what they had been holding and left the store, along with all of their groceries that they had been unable to buy. 

Behind them, a voice came over the speaker system, begging, "Clean up on...every single aisle please?"

"What happened?" Wanda queried from where she was still petting the dogs, "Where is the food?"

"Let's just order in today," Steve propositioned as they all ignored the shouts of 'You have to pay for that' ringing from the store they had just abandoned.

**Author's Note:**

> I do still take requests because I love knowing that you guys are reading this and you do like them and I wanna do more if you want so you can comment or you can email me kitty122011@hotmail.co.uk I will do them!


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